For some reason i cannot delete this blog. I've been wanting to for a long time but i cant...its become a horrible way of expressing my most repressed depressing thoughts and feelings.
I am determined to keep my life online-free; i uninstalled windows live messenger the moment i left poly, stayed away from the laptop as much as could and spend much time with people i cared about; family mostly, friendships are a treasured though continual struggle for me. I am NOT going to be old, look back on my life and tell my grandchildren I spend half my life having tech relationships (hey that could be a good joke; I was engaged to Fujitsu for 3 years, then we broke up(he literally broke down) now I'm with Dell and having an affair with Samsung), spending half my life online. We're becoming zombies, that's what.
 
When i dont i spend time immersing myself in stories, or taking up new hobbies, or getting a job that makes me happy. In my case - interacting with kids. There's something about kids that makes my day, everytime. My friend puts it this way better; "when i see the kids, i forget the problems i had and its just bliss, just them and you". haha she's so right. I remember feeling like that too. At my last job when i taught kids with special needs, i was always smiling and happy at work. The feeling you get, when they sit next to you and lean to you so trustingly...or slip their hand into yours when they're happy or excited or scared...or simply just how adorable they are.
I miss them.
 
I found a few friends at school � they're lovely, I'm so glad to have met them. I hope to have lasting friendships with them. One of them happens to live near me haha!
 
I hat…I mean I dislike friendship problems in cliques. I'm terrible at dealing at problems that arise, the bigger the group the harder because a problem � such as a simple misunderstanding can be hard to solve mutually because it becomes entangled with many other members of the group.
 
Ok my focus is:
Do well in studies and career. Keep my friendships the best I can. Bond with my family(immediate and extended). Do and commit to my passions. Remember God with all my heart and soul. Spend my life well for myself and for others that I care for.
 
Hey that's weird, I don't feel too depressed now. I guess there's some truth to journal therapy.

Just when you met someone really nice

then you realise something not right. Haha yeah i guess i like him, but certain things about him that i know will not work in the future, unless he's really willing to change. It's a pity because everything else was okay about him, until i learned about the other stuff.
My friend's right, don't step any further. I need to remember my priorities.

Guess this means i'll have to look elsewhere.

Everyday we all learn something.

If you feel you're different from everybody else; like they all seem to have something you don't, then you need to learn to love yourself a little more.

If you managed to make it this far, imagine how much stronger you've become.

Take strength from people who care about you, or the things you care about.

You may your way through the world yourself.
You're the one who survived the darkest places.
You forged a path of your own to reach your goals, one at a time.
Forge that path a little bigger, allow the weaker others to walk in your footsteps, in your stead.

We may dream big, but unnoticed by us, many people have little dreams that we're already living.

What i'm saying is, do something concrete and pave the way for others to may their way in the world. If you don't reach your dream, and you realise it may not be anyway, help others with theirs, who genuinely need it.

Perhaps I know what i want now.

Please note that this update and any later on is for the sake of those who've read my blog and been left wondering too long why i left it stale. ;)

After my first job which only lasted bout 2 months i've been at home alot job hunting. The job was fine, but i wanted to try other jobs that were more related to my diploma. The interviews didn't work out so i was unemployed for 3 months. Afterwards i realised i didn't like my diploma anyway.One day i was looking through the newspapers and came upon this job advertisement calling for special education teacher recruits. At that point, i didn't think much of it; because i was job hunting, my mood was like apply-for-anything-that-you-think-accepts-your-qualification. But afterwards, i realised it could be an interesting job and got really interested in the little details. I've applied. Soon i'll see if this career's meant for me.

During the free period after school, i really utilised it, even though i had no job. I learned new language, to cook, sew, continued baking, knitting, and of course - going out.

Zig-zagging my way though life.

I wish i know what i want. I don't even have a particular dream anymore, i don't know what motivates me and i no longer know what lights me up anymore.

I do. I can make a list of things i want, but they're merely things i want in my life to improve. You know every kid dreams of being someone big or doing something special? when i dream of my future, my dreams confuse me. And i'm twenty and at the end of youth. Something come on....

A change could be fresh.

I have absolutely no idea why i'm blogging. Force of habit i think. Since I completely changed my blog(although the address remains) i do not think my friends would notice it, so like i said, force of habit.

Graduation Day happened like a flash of lightning but it was good to see my old friends again. It was sad leaving the school. 'Course, not all were happy memories there but that's the point, it's the happy memories that made me miss it.

Subra and Liah and I will be meeting up. I'm tired of argueing or what other differences that could occur, when we meet i'll just throw caution to the winds and let things be. I just want to bond with my friends again. I made a step, i don't know if they do because of what happened.

Day 9.

I've finally got back in contact with another dear old friend. So glad and happy. The last time we talked which was many years back we forgot to exchange email adds with each other. Now she's on the other side of the planet so i hope to get a good job so one day we can visit each other since money's another thing.

I like seeing my younger cousins grow up, although there are certain moments i fear for them from making mistakes i've witnessed in my own life. Then again, what's the point of protecting them if they can't lIve a life. So thereupon, although it hurts me to see them get hurt or fear for them with they embarking on a test, its okay to advice them just a little and let them make their own mistakes. Its how we all grow up.